Monday, January 5, 2009
final tot:
it's best to keep quiet (but tat means u will tink veri negatively).
i tink i haf lost my stand or my pride in this relationship (cos i'm the ger in the relationship, which also made me veri tired. n cos i still hope tat he will be the ideal kind tat i haf in mind, it made me even more tiring. in tis case, keeping mum n stop thinkng dere n den do helps to keep peace. but tat means i haf succumbed to his attitude. which made me even more wanting a bf tat has the attitude tat i yearn to haf.
a relationship is shaped by two person.
the way he behaves determine how i behave.
the subsequent way of how i behave has also determined how he behaves?
what ever it is i suddenly has tis veri evil tot in mind:
if he hadnt been fighting against what i said, we wud be a happie couple.
everytime asked me wad i wan, but when i say it out alr, there's no difference. (does it occur to me oso? or he just dun demand or expect anything from me?)
oh mann.. i hate to start writing all these...
it's pointless... cos it's all my views.. my tots.. my wants..
he's not here to say anything..
even if i told him all these AGAIN (COS I DUN I REPEATED TIS HOW MANY TIMES?!?!), he just wun make any changes but want to fight against my words..
for countless of times i took his advice, his words, n argue further cos i noe i'm at fault somehow. but OH.. he dun realise tat it's his fault.. just realised my dad was lidat, tat's y dey ended up divorce now.. tis SUCKS totally lahr.. y r ALL guys lidat? dey never tink tat dey were at fault.
r we gers too greedy too? cs we changed for them, so we expect them to sacrifice alittle n change for us. tat's what i'm thinking now. n i tot it wasnt wad we gers shud be tinking. we can never change dem. over their dead bodies oso NO. in tis world, we gers are alr at a losing end. not over our dead bodies are we gg to change for them. tink it's time for me to lead the life i want it to be. tink the guys need the girls to lead sometimes too. (but dey r too stubborn. tok abt taking photos last night. i was crazily mad when he said tat. hello!!!! u said we arent the main spotlight on solemnization, in the morning ceremony.. i'm not gonna be sooo stupid to keep asking after kena rejected ssssssssoooooooooomany times right.. it's time u say u wan to take photos wif me... DARN IT!! hate u!! photos?!?! i shun zhe ni to not take photos le. now u complain.. UUUU gGOOOOOD!!!!!! he never noes how angry i am. cos i yearn so much to take MOOOOOOOORRRREEE photos wif him BUT HE HAD ALWAYS REJECTED MMMMEEE!!! I TELL UUUUU I'M SUPER ANGRIES!!!! REALLY!!!) WHY CANT HE JUST TAKE PHOTOS WIF ME WHENEVER WHEREVER.. ? (bcos of his repeated refusal n bullshit lotsa reasons, i am no longer myself when i'm wif him.. i love to take photos.. y lidat arh?)
just now had the tot of being cheery cheery n xin luan again,
but after toking over the phone and the "eh.. u wait arh!" the super rush kind of tone.. whao i tell u, my heart just sunk to the bottom. TOTALLY SUNKEN! i haf no idea how long it's gonna take to 'pick' my heart up again. cos it just hurts terribly.
n it was him who denied my status in his family (tat's recently),
not too long ago or since de start of our relationship, he has not been tinking veri positively abt us too. since the start, i was super sure about our future. but till a point in time, until now, i have lost hope cos of his continuous "unconfirmation". esp his words of denial tat he said when i quarrelled wif him tat time. "of cos i wun let it affect me", "what can i do if u wan to leave right? i cant stop u, i wun stop u" (tis is the first sentence tat stab thru my heart, n it was the first step to losing hope), "priority depends one" (tis is the one which i can hardly accept. imagine unless i die or get into accident, will he even put me first? or he wun at all? hahas.), still got lotsa sentences tat he said tat time tat killed it all. but i still stayed on. perhaps it's cos i stayed on, tat's y i'm losing my "power" in tis relationship.
in the past, i tot i cud just haf the mentality that "he has time, he will come look for me de". it helped me to survive thru his NS yrs despite i was feeling horrible sometimes. but i overcame it. now, tis mentality is difficult to hold
times like tis i finally understood xm's stand. i admire her courage to move on n found de guy tat truely suits her best. jess too. i tink dey haf taken a big step towards their xing fu de ri zi.
is it possible for me to have those xing fu de ri zi wif him oso?
it means i hafta take a bigger step too. compromising to whoever he is n his sometimes selfish mentality in a relationship. is tis bigger step able to lead me to the right guy? is tis bigger step able to lead me to my xing fu?
for de past 45min, i've been tinking n organising my tots. it's time to mature n nt anyhow end a relationship. it's time to tink carefully. really brainstorm. tis bigger step which all guys expect all gers to take n never will dey xin teng de gers n appreciate de gers who made such a bigger step. tis one person who is willing to sacrifice everything n compromise him.is it really worth taking such a big step n get appreciated? (tis is the best if the person cud appreciate her hardwork) if not, poor ger has to tolerate everything n keep everything to herself. i'm pretty sure tis is not only in my relationship. it's in every relationship. it's just a matter of time. mine, i tink it came pretty late. most of my frens haf alr been thru tat stage even tho my relationship is long than theirs. ironic isnt it?
sacrifice n compromise!?!?
anyways i tink i;m bad bad too.. i was really too occupied in tinking stg else tat night.. i'm soo sorry i've wasted the night away.. BUT REALLY I WAS TOOOO UPSET OR BUSY TINKING WAD AM I TO DO STUCKED IN A TABLE OF UNKNOWN PPL? TAT'S DAMN SAD U NOE.. IT'S LIKE I'M THE MOST LONELY PERSON IN TAT WEDDING DINNER.. i was really lucky to have ur frens tat help to distract me abit.. but somehow cried in the end.. lousy me still say cos dey bully me n since dey make me laugh until i cry.. imight as well let my emotions out right? otherwise i wun haf any other chance tat night le.. hahas...
PS: gotta study lahr.. i wasted one hour of my studying time le =(
6:12 PM
